Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
zippers are such a cool invention
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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