I haven't been this sober since birth.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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