I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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