Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
