i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
