in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
