I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
