T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
