The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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