this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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