im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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