i will never coherently bang her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
