The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I pour the whiskey from now on
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
