I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
