My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
