Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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