She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
