i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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