I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
