So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
