who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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