just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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