So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
