I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
