Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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