So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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