roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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