it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
