God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
