she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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