New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
