My hand turned me down
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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