Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
