dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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