I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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