so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think I just sharted jello shots
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