Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
