I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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