I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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