2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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