I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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