If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
