I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
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