My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
