It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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