I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
