GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
