fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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