he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
