theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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