so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
