remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I cut my penus on the lid.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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