Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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