You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You smell like stripper and shame
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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