1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just tell him i said nine months
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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