There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
How's work?
Spinning.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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