Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
