How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize