8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
