you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize