We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
