Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
