guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
