Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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