Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
