FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
